impeach jesus!

ahh, that feeling… you know the one.

maybe you get chills, or goose bumps. or maybe you just have the feeling that you’re “not alone.”

you know what that is?

that’s jesus, spying on you. yep. it’s jesus, conducting an illegal spiritual wiretap on your ass, and there’s nothing you can do about it. and he’s gonna keep doing it. because he’s more powerful than santa claus. and you know what santa claus can do.

there are at least 30 million people in america that might feel that it’s completely alright for jesus to watch your every move. jesus knows what you look like naked. and they’re fine with that. jesus doesn’t care about the constitution. jesus was around long before the constitution ever existed.

hell, for all they know, jesus coulda freakin’ wrote the constitution.

because jesus has a hand in everything. jesus made america. that’s it. i said it. i wish i’d realized that before now but well, it took me moving to australia to finally get it. because i don’t meet anyone from any other country that thinks jesus had anything to do with their country’s creation.

and no, i’ve never met anyone from the vatican.

little did you know, but jesus and the holy ghost used to have equal powers, along with god. but god became almost ceremonial years ago, practically window-dressing in the world of spiritual power. jesus used to have to ask god if he could do things like enter people’s souls, or create countries, but now he just does it without asking. after that, jesus and the holy ghost had a power struggle, and of course jesus won. the holy ghost was supposed to be watching jesus, making sure he didn’t get out of line and start acting like a king or something crazy like that. but the holy ghost was sympathetic to jesus also, practically rubber-stamping everything jesus wanted to do. the holy ghost trusted jesus. nobody thought jesus was going for all the marbles, did they?

all i’m saying is that jesus has extraordinary powers, for a dead guy… who never mentioned once that he wanted people to worship him, or start a religion based on his teachings. just think if he had nukes, or a star wars program.

oh. i guess he does.

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